38. How To Score: 2009

"Mr O'Daniels, what exactly are you doing here?"

"I don't want to be out there anymore."

"Out where?"

"Outside of this hospital."

"Well we can't keep you here."

"Why not?"

"We don't have a reason to."

"I'm dangerous."

"To who?"

"To myself. To everyone."

"That's not what your test scores say."

"What do the test scores say?"

"They say you are narcissistic, and obsessive compulsive."

"So I can't be self centered thorough and dangerous?"

"You're not dangerous."

"What if I picked up my chair, and hit you over the head with it?"

"You won't."

"How do you know?"

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"What if I don't?"

"I'll call the police."

"They'll hold me for one day. I'll come back."

"I'll call them again."

"How many times?"

"Mr. O'Daniels, really your test scores say you are doing fine. How about if I schedule you in to one of our out patient groups?"

"I Don't like people."

"Well that's a problem."

"That's what I'm trying to say."

"Why would you want to live here? In a hospital? We have people here who are seriously ill. They aren't always pleasurable to be around. Maybe you won't like it here so much."

"I feel like out there everyone has gone completely mad. For example, I don't want to use money anymore. I hate guns. I hate religion. I hate Jesus. I hate Mohammad. Well I don't really hate them because they're dead. I hate the people who follow them. I hate Moses, and his followers too. I hate the government. I hate the Military. I don't want to be part of it. They are all mad. The whole civilization is mad. Everyone is killing everybody else. It's an epidemic. We are even killing the whole damn earth now. So let me out of it. I want to live here."

"What would you do in here? Don't you want to be productive?

"You can medicate me with expensive drugs. The Government can pay for it. The drug companies will love it. They can use me as a guinea pig. Just keep me dosed out of my brain all day and all night. Sit me in a corner to drool."

"Look, you just need a job."

"No I don't want to be part of it."

"Of what?"

"All of it."

"So you want to drool all day?"

"Do you know they are making seeds now that don't produce seed?"

"Yes I Know."

"Do you know the frogs are leaving?"

"Where are they going?"

"I don't know. The bee's are leaving too."

"This still isn't a reason for you to live in a hospital."

"Do you know the United States has over seven hundred military bases all around the world. Huge cities they are every where and no one even questions what the fuck they are they're for. I mean who are we going to fight?"

"Mr. O'Daniels please don't cuss at me."

"Are you religious?"

"Yes"

"And you're a Doctor? You see what I mean?

"What do you mean?

"You're crazy too."

"This isn't going anywhere. I think you should leave."

"Oh I've offended your religious sensibilities now have I?

"No I'm not offended."

"And you're a liar too. All of you are liars."

"So are you going to sit here an insult me all day?"

"Are you offended?"

"No"

"Liar. Do you know that the first School shooting was in 1764 and then the next one was in 1966."

"So..."

"So after 1966 there have been fifty eight more. All in the United States. Ha ha shit, there was nine of them last year alone."

"Is this going to go somewhere?

"Where the fuck do you need it to go? Don't you feel a sense of panic? I sure do. I don't want to be out there any more. Just give me the drugs. Make me drool."

"I'm sorry. I don't have any drugs for you."

"Oh yeah you do. You have plenty. I just didn't ask you the right way."

"I just told you no."

" A chunk of ice the size of Manhattan fell off the Northern Ice shelf up in Canada somewhere. They said they were shocked. It's a record."

"Yes I suppose it's a reason for concern."

"A reason for concern? You are kidding me right? I feel terror. How come you don't feel the same terror I feel Doctor? You know I talk to people all the time who laugh at me when I tell them that story. Like I made it up or something."

"Well maybe you keep the wrong company."

"I don't keep any company. I just bump into people sometimes and I tell them all this shit and they just laugh and walk away from me. They think I'm crazy. So that's why I'm here."

"I thought you are here because you are dangerous?"

"Well the next time someone laughs at me like that I am going to grab them by the skull and squeeze their brain until the fucking jello comes out. The jello and the corn syrup, and the text messages, and..."

"I get the idea."

"You get what idea?"

"I understand you are unhappy that no one seems to notice the things that are important to you."

"Important to me? Do I sound like I'm talking about my feelings of inadequacy or loneliness? We got the whole damn Army chasing after a bogey man who lives in a cave. The reserves - the State guard - guys are on their third tour - chasing a guy in a cave - we destroyed Hitler's army - were chasing a bogey man in a cave. Are you kidding me? Am I the only one who is watching this shit? The soviets are gone man, and were still building more and more. We kill a hundred civilians in a clip - oops - who gives a fuck right? Okay sorry let me quiet down a second. Can you just give me something? If I can't stay here can you give me some Valium or something?"

"Can I trust that you will take your medication?"

"Of course. I must be at least as crazy as the other sixty seven million Americans who take Anti-Depressants. Everyone is crazy out there. I'm telling you the truth. Of course you know that already."

"Okay I'm going to give you a mild Anti-depressant. I'm going to want you to come back here in one month to let me know how you feel."

"I'm not leaving"

"Mary, can you call security to escort Mr O'Daniels out please."

"I was hoping for something much stronger than this. Do you have any idea what's going to happen to the temperature of Africa in the next few years. Do you have any idea what that's going to do to their crop yields?"

"Goodbye Mr. O'Daniels."

"Did you know in the ocean fish are showing up where they're not supposed to be?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. You tell me Doc."

"Thank you Mr. O'Daniels. Goodbye."

"Thanks for the drugs Doc."

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